Reached this vague point: 

...And while I'm considerably destitute, I'm still  far better than I was last time this year.  I was a hater.  Hater hater hater.  I hated NYC, I hated Brooklyn College, I hated my relationship, I hated the things I did in my spare time (read:  watch star trek and lesson plan).  My life was joyless, pretty friendless (save Jaclyn), and sexless (too much?).  However, I had money.  Oooh baby, did I have some cash rolling in.  I had benefits, I had a dude with money, we had sushi and sake and wine and new clothes.  I had successfully completed phase 2 of life:  becoming an adult with employment and a substantial partner. 

phase 2 was bullshit.  phase 3 is great. 

 

The last time I wrote, I was a little bit...manic? Every day brings me closer to a little more peace, and every night I sleep easier.

Happiness has never really been part of my equation, and lately I've been really taking some time out to sort through the things that bring that. My friends; my wonderful amazing friends who are a constant source of inspiration and laughter. Wind and cool, soft nights. rooftops. straw hats and fishing with dad. watching maria and tim at tuckers with desi. wine tastings and bikes on the hottest day of summer. dinner with kim on patios. gripping shoulders on the back of a moped. night swimming sans clothes. being an adult, feeling like a kid. water, water, water. Erin and her yellow shorts. Screaming in cars and trading our shoes. hugging Britni when I thought that nothing could get better, or worse. hot cornbread and vegan gravy. singing coffeepots at 7am. Ann and our dreams to improve our city and our lives. twin beds and sawdust. Charlie and everything fun about Charlie. backgammon with pina coladas. learning to bike fast, learning to ride slow. sipping my coffee and planning my life. Kristi's pizza and Cassie the dog. . realizing that I'm still here, and that here is where I wanted to be all along.

Traveling at the speed of sound

What the hell do I want to do with this time?

I had a ridiculously good time this weekend; kind of made me want to chuck my fellowship and move here so I can be with my friends on a permanent basis. I almost feel like I'm counting down the time in a panic and need to fit everything in, fit everyone in, so that I don't miss anything when I'm gone.

Friday, ate Melt for dinner with Kim (bug bite city, next time I'm bringing a fogger, although I could just as easily eat inside, I guess), rode bikes to fountain square, then some crap bar whose name reminded me of the rumpus room. I would only go back if their drinks were super cheap. That says a lot. I also want to mention the kick ass mushroom/spinach stroganoff I made for the family that night, for posterity's sake. Rode bikes to Grammar's. (Grammer's? Grimmars? Grimmiecakes?) Finally danced with other people, and not alone like a maniac in my parents' family room. Rode back to the West End, made a stop in Northside, hung out in the trunk of a volkswagon just like in high school (although then it may have been a Plymoth), and rolled home later than usual but in a great mood. Worth being exhausted until about 7pm Saturday.

Which leads me to...Saturday, no bikes so no exercise. 'watching britni, on the roof, knock over the same glass 12 consecutive times'  It pains me to think about what my favorite things were in Brooklyn this year, because I know for a fact that one of them was getting into bed every night. Teaching is such a thankless, tiring job and it takes every little thing out of you so much that around 11 every night I was so grateful to get into bed. Hell, there were days when it was definitely the favorite thing I did all day, and that makes me sooo reticent to return to that former life. ugh. Back to Saturday...

So anyway, laid around all day so much that my parents may think I actually am taking their sleeping pills. Saturday, I went to bars, then didn't get home until 5am because I had to take care of a very drunk friend who was determined to drive thereby forcing me to go to Westwood so she didn't die. The end.

Sunday, back to laying around, watching BBC scifi stuff with the family, and having a big dinner. I dropped off my car, so the exhaust actually may be fixed and I will have no more cardboard 'easy access' quarter window, I will have a real window made of glass just like a real car. Drove downtown, rode bikes with Britni, had a beer, re-dedicated, rode home. I cannot imagine leaving.

It's hard to look back on those early journal entries. I guess I stopped writing because those 'teachable' moments came too quickly, and wore on me just as fast. Things that were funny were...ok, the kids were still hilarious and remained so until the end, but the inevitable ups and downs of the administration, other teachers, and in essence just the entire damn department of education just wore on me.

I am definitely not the same person I was when I moved. Some of that can be attributed to being in charge of the education of 120 teenagers every day, all day, but some of it can definitely be traced to my personal life, which I didn't write a lot about on this blog. I guess I was trying to be positive about the whole thing. So now I know what DOESN'T work, and I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm standing in some sort of rubble that I'm just not comfortable with. I drank to make it go away (until I woke up), I watched too much terrible TV (until I fell asleep), and I spent my time on inappropriate people (until they or I realized we'd rather be drinking or watching TV without the other person).

Where does this leave me? I still have no idea. I turned on my parents ipod today and danced for a half hour to ELO and the talking heads in their family room, alone. It felt great. I felt invincible, and sweaty, and then I drank all my dad's lime carbonated water. Then I felt kind of sick so I sat down.

Here are three things that I do not have in my classroom:

1. books for the students to take home
2. a projector for showing videos/slides
3. paper

So basically, I can't make worksheets , I can't send them books home to do homework with, and I can't show them any visuals in class. awesome.

In my continuing effort to document the hardest year of my life, I'm up at almost midnight doing nothing. I got home from class at 9:30, and have fucked off on the internet for wayyy too long...
Talked to my Aunt Cindy for about half an hour; my mother's family is so chatty so I can't wait to see them for Thanksgiving.

So I missed first period today because I had a pretty bad headache when I woke up; around seventh period one of my first period students, Luis, actually stops by to grumpily ask where I was and demand that I show up tomorrow so he can take the test. Warmed my terrible little heart. Of course then Jose, who has decided to show up to class three days before the marking period ends, decided to be a total asshole. Our conversation went something like this:

"Jose, you are talking during the test and distracing the other students; is there some reason you decided to show up to class today?"
"Miss, I'm *in* this class"
"I'm aware of that, but you know that there is no possible way for you to pass when you've skipped every single other day. Not to mention the time last week when you showed up, told me your name wasn't Jose, and then walked out. That doesn't look good to your teachers at all, really."
"You mean I really can't pass at all?"
"No, you really can't pass at all-there's always next term. How about you just sit at the back of the class, stare at the test, and try not to be disruptive"

At this point he grumbles something like 'fuck this' or whatever the hell else might come to him and ambles off to his desk where he proceeds to text on his sidekick for the next thirty minutes. Nothing gained, nothing lost. See you next term, Jose.